Wednesday, September 24, 2008

OH What a Night....



Not much to do on a Wednesday night in Southington, Connecticut. So I sit here, with an empty bag of tortilla chips by my side, as I watch this David Blaine bullshit.

Since when did hanging upside down become a magic trick? Yeah you can get really dizzy, but ten-year olds perform the same feat on the monkey bars during recess.

Wait, it is called the Dive of Death!??! So apparently he is "diving" into something.....

I hope it turns out to be that pit in Return of the Jedi. Not even Boba Fett could survive that....let's see what you got, David.

Anyhow.....

I just came to a realization that two weeks ago, I experienced the most embarrassing moment of my life.

Two weeks ago today, I went to the DMV to obtain my Connecticut state driver's license. Pretty normal trip, right? Wrong. After waiting in a line of 157 other miserable Connecticut state residents, I was told by an old woman who loved her job (note sarcasm), to sit down and wait for the officer to call my name for the eye test.

As I sat in the waiting area, making love to a whole wheat bagel with cream cheese from Dunkin Donuts, an old lady (helped by what I assumed to be her daughter) slowly crawled out of the "eye test center" to get her picture taken. She was cute. I bet her name was Ethel.

"Steve BRAband." Walking over to the officer, I wondered if anyone really failed those tests. Knowing that my eye sight was clearly not 20/20, I was concerned but pretty much would have guaran-damn-teed I was passing that test.

The officer commented on my shirt and was a very jolly fellow. He said he "checked me out" and that "Pennsylvania loves you." I did that awkward laugh that people do when someone makes a joke that isn't funny, the noise that's a mix between a laugh and the sound a tired dog makes after it took a big dump.

The officer asked me if I had glasses, which was an obvious no, and I straddled the eye machine. I don't know what to call it...so "eye machine" will suffice. It is your typical eye test from back grade school/high school ...colors and three columns of numbers.

After I settled in, I realized "OH SHIT"......I couldn't read a damn thing. The colors - I was money. Red. Yellow. Green. Stevie Wonder could have got those correct (ohhhhh.... rimshot)

I tried to squint and make out the numbers.....no dice. I failed with flying colors.

The officer left and sent me to go get glasses and come back when I did. I went back to Ashley who was waiting for me, and told her I failed......she flat out laughed in my face. I have never felt more like a man in my life.

Present day.....

I have glasses now. Somewhat stylish. Still don't have a Connecticut driver's license cause I don't feel like getting up at 6:00am to wait in line. It's on the agenda, mother, don't worry.

This David Blaine programming is still on my TV. In a bit, he is going to catch a bullet in his teeth and get punched in the stomach by Kimbo Slice.......

I would attempt both if I was forced to continue to watch this.


Good night.

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