The Picks: Request Edition

If the Million Dollar belt ever returns to the WWE, somebody please notify me, so I can get back in the WWE game.

Money money money money MONEY! WOOOOO!

Let's get to the reason why we are here.....

Here is a copy of the email I received from McCarty, attached with this week's picks :

ive been swamped at work and i got rehearsal diinner tonite so i had to write this while on the can on my smartphone. please check for format and spellin errors k thx bye

Just so you know what to expect.

Without further ado........your pooping prognosticator -

THE PICKS WEEK # 9
Last week’s results: 1 win for 2 units and one push.

Season results: 12-2 for +23 units on Steve Is Live. 28-15 for +61.5 units on the year overall.

This week “The Picks” will only have one play this week. This is due to previously scheduled engagements taking up my time, energy and brilliance away. With that said, I am only concentrating on one game.

I may have a NFL pick on Oddsmakeradvantage this week. No promises from my end. And now, a game coming by request (Troyer?)….

Ohio State @ Penn State
Penn State has grown to 5 point favorites after opening up at (-3.5). This is pretty surprising considering the public has been pretty steady on each side, with the public only favoring PSU 55/45.

Movement like this is not done to even out the sides but to adjust for one of three things:
(1) weather
(2) injury report
(3) oopsies

We will disregard the third option because you cannot rely on Vegas to fail. Doing so would be to disregard anything else and just assume they screwed up. Some things to consider are that the Buckeyes have three running backs that are currently nursing injuries. This bug has hit them all year, resulting in Terrell Pryor being their lead rusher at 555 yards. Kevin Newsome has been running the scout team offense all week in preparation and the Nittany Lions pose the biggest test to Ohio State’s offense since they faced USC earlier this year.

Weather should not be a factor in capping this game, as it will be temperate and dry for this time of the year. Both teams should be stingy with the run and you should expect both defenses to give up less than 90 yards on the ground.

If the thinking is that the big plays will be kept to a minimum, it would be reasonable to expect this game to stay under its current total of thirty-nine.

As of now, the play is a 6pt tease for PSU(+1) and the under (45) for 2 units. This is subject to change by game time so keep your eyes peeled on the comment box below.

*****

Reminder, if you want the "man on the can" to preview any special games for you or your loved ones, send a request to me, via email. Or call McCarty toll free at 1-800-I-Turn-Tricks.

Throwin' Punches

(welter-weight Zac "Punchy" Kamnikar knocks out Greg "Too White" Simoff)

There is really nothing better than making fun of your best buddies. Am I right?

Well today , one of my best friends off all time, Zac Kamnikar, sent a Fantasy Football email that took a large number of shots at this blog.

Zac believes that the grammar in this blog is comparable to that of Clifford The Big Red Dog. Basically, I am blogging at a First Grade level.

So being the amazing human he is, Zac provided us with a list of guidelines for writing "Steve Is Alive"

Enjoy....

Tips/Guidelines for writing on My Blog
By. Steve Braband

1. One. Word. Sentences. Are. Awesome.
2. <, >, =, jokes show that you are also mathematically smart as well as sports smart.
3. When I can’t think of a joke (Insert _______ joke here) is always a good option.
4. Did you reference an Adam Sandler movie?
5. Include a self deprecating joke about how the blog is nonsensical and/or not very witty.
6. Reference obscure athlete from your childhood, i.e. Kurt Rambis, Rob Dibble.
7. Complete sentences are for losers.
8. Advertise Blog post on Twitter.

Despite roasting me like Jeffery Ross, it's all true, it really is.

And I laughed at it.....hard.

Thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, good buddy, Nathan Patterson, responds with these witty quirks -

Addendum:

9. Call things "FACTS", even if they are incontrovertably opinion-based.
10. Compare bad teams or players to a reality show, specifically the Hills, or something involving the Kardashians.

Example: The song "My Humps", while worse than an episode of Keeping up With the Kardashians, is still > Steve's blog. And that's a FACT. You remember that meestah meestah lady? Well I think I just killed her. Jerome Walton. Phillies rock. I'm eating Cheetos and the dog just licked my face.

See? That's a full blog post, right there.

Substitue Cheetos with Doritos and that IS a post from March '09.

And thennnnnnnnnnnnnn our resident handicapper chimes in with -

11. Sucker talented writer into writing articles every Friday for blog. Take credit when percentage wise and unit wise, the handicapping articles are beating the top capper at covers.com

I'm surrounded by assholes!

Just thought I'd share this adventure in "bashing on Steve-Is-Alive."

Are they right? If you followed those guidelines, could you write this blog?

Whatever....

Steve Braband > Zac Kamnikar, Nathan Patterson, and Matthew McCarty. FACT.

Keep firing, assholes.

Dear, Chase Utley.....

What a super-star. Your watching baseball history, folks.

If you didn't watch - Utley homers twice, again, and the Phillies stay alive in the World Series.

Still.....

Andrew McCutchen > Chase Utley.

Let's Go Bucs!

Monday Night Fullback Week # 8

As we speak, the Cleveland Browns are firing their General Manager.

Its "Black Monday" in the city of dawg pounds, and smelly lakes. Really, things couldn't get much worse for that team/city.

The Browns are falling apart.

Former Indians pitchers, Cliff Lee and CC Sabathia are dominating the World Series. Their pets heads are FALLING OFF!

Hey,

...at least they still have LeBron.........



Sorry. I'll take it easy on Cleveland tonight. They have suffered enough.

With that said.....on wit da damn thang....

Monday Night Fullback

32. Cleveland Browns 1-7
As the young kids would say - "LMAO." AHHHHHHHHHHHH HAHAAHAHHAA! THE. CLEVELAND. BROWNS. AHHHHH AHAHAHAHAA. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the worst team in the National Football League. Hahahahahaahhaa!

I said I'd take it easy.......

31. Tampa Bay Bucanneers 0-7
John Gruden? Derrick Brooks? John Lynch? Keyshawn Johnson? Errict Rhett? They're bad.

30. Detroit Lions 1-6
A loss to the Rams = you receiving the MNFFB logo this week. (Link)

29. St. Louis Rams 1-6
Please refrain from dumping Gatorade on your coach after he won one game. That's a little too much extra work for the laundry guy. It was one win.

28. Kansas City Chiefs 1-6
For the Chief fans -

I am usually not this nice when your team is worse than episodes of The Hills.

Okoye, what a monster.

27. Tennessee Titans 1-6
Everyone makes a big deal about Mark Sanchez eating a hot dog on the sidelines but, nobody says anything about the seven chalupas Lendale White devours during each half.

Chris Johnson is fast.

26. Oakland Raiders 2-6
Nipsey Russell would be a better option at Quarterback. How great of a reference is that for a young, fat, white kid from Western PA?!?!!

25. Washington Redskins 2-5
Hey Daniel Snyder, here's a sign that should be allowed in your stadium (link).

24. Seattle Seahawks 2-5
Who would have thought that T.J Houshmanzandandehandmandahdada would rather be a Bengal?

23. Buffalo Bills 3-5
Trent Edwards went to Stanford. Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard. Terrell Owens is an asshat.

22. Carolina Panthers 3-4
Panthers marched into Arizona and revenged their Divisional playoff loss against the Cardinals. It's too bad Cardinals fans don't pay attention or understand the game of football.

21. NY Jets 4-4
J-E-T-S SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK!

20. Jacksonville Jaguars 3-4
One big question mark. Tell me something about this team. Please.

?

19. San Francisco 49ers 3-4
The Alex Smith era is under way......again.....with the same results. Where art thou Jim Drunkenmiller?

18. Miami Dolphins 3-4
Chad Henne may be the quarterback ever to come out of Michigan. #IhateTomBrady

17. Arizona Cardinals 4-3
Leinart. Leinart. Leinart. Leinart. Leinart.

16. Chicago Bears 4-3
The Bears had a BYE this past week. What's that? They beat the Browns by 20? That's the same thing......

15. Green Bay Packers 4-3
I applauded Packers fans for booing Brett Favre. I boo Packers fans for eating so much damn cheese. Eat some veggies, damnit.

14. Baltimore Ravens 4-3
This.

13. San Diego Chargers 4-3
Dear Phillip Rivers, go play in traffic.

12. Houston Texans 5-3
Houston losing Owen Daniels for the year is like Luigi trying to beat King Koopa without Yoshi (weirdest analogy, yet). They aint making the playoffs.

11. New York Giants 5-3
Sign the IceBox. Really, if the girl who played IceBox wanted to play professional football....she would be a viable option for that injury riddled, god awful, defense.

10. Atlanta Falcons 4-2*
Matt Ryan is already penciled in to babysit my unborn children.

9. Dallas Cowboys 5-2
If peeing you pants is cool, consider me Miles Austin.

8. Cincinnati Bengals 5-2
Ochocinco was at my place of employment last week. I was more excited for the Pasta Bar.

They still wont make the playoffs.

7. New England Patriots 5-2
If the Yankees do in fact win the World Series, the Patriots will be removed from Super Bowl contention. The sports world only allows one douchebag filled team to win a championship, within a given year.

6. Denver Broncos 6-1
A week from tonight, the Broncos will be 6-2 and Josh McDaniels may finally lose his baby teeth.
5. Philadelphia Eagles 5-2
Desean Jackson was taken one spot ahead of Limas Sweed. Oh, what could have been......

4. Minnesota Vikings 7-1
I was pro-Brett Favre for awhile but, after Sunday, I want to push him into a muddy puddle.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers 5-2
That's right you little bastards, the Pittsburgh Steelers are the third best team in the National Football League. Argue that they are not. Go ahead. Try.

2. New Orleans Saints 6-0*
Drew Brees may be the best QB in the NFL, but he still has the state of Vermont on his face. I like him, I really do.

1. Indianapolis Colts 6-0
Colts are good. Mmmmmkay?

Have at it. I'm not an expert, kids.

I'd close this out with something witty but, I am feeling lazier than Gilbert Grape's mom.......

Go Steelers.

Friday Happy Hour

The Halloween route would have been the easy way out. Instead, you get a well planned joke about masturbation.

I love the Internet.

What is your Halloween costume?

Hopefully, this.

Story time - One time when I was younger, former Steelers running back, Erric Pegram, lived in a near by neighborhood and was passing out autographed pictures of himself to trick-or-treaters. I find that both pompous and awesome!

Have fun this weekend and don't pass out pictures of yourself...........Butterfingers are clearly the better option.

The Picks: Week # 8

Some may say "Two For The Money" will go down as Pacino's worst flick of all time, but I strongly disagree.

If you've never seen this epic cinematic production - Pacino played a conniving television celebrity, who makes weekly gambling "picks." McConaughey (who of course, has no shirt) plays the up-and-comer who eventually overshadows Pacino on his own TV program. A recipe for disaster and un-intentional comedy, to say the least.

I don't want to play spoiler, but Pacino goes all "Pacino" on McC and things get a bit dicey. Rent it, or you can borrow it from me. I believe I have a copy....

Anyway (holy shit, the above paragraph was pointless!)..........

Your sketchy, grease ball, bookie, has returned with his weekly dose of " The Picks."

Has anyone actually followed McMarty's advice and made some picks? If so, let us know.... we're intrigued by this.

THE PICKS
Are you guys ready to run with us yet? We are 11-2 for +21 units on the year. We are 27-13 for +59.5 when combined with my picks on OddsmakerAdvantage. I am not making any picks on OddsmakerAdvantage this week due to (1) I will be in Atlantic City by the time you read this and (2) I was only able to do enough research on a couple games. I take this seriously and would never recommend someone lay down something on a game I didn’t truly put the required work on.

If you are looking for additional picks to make, try http://fmybookie.com/. These guys have been awful since I started following them. Just fade them all day long!

And now......

Pick #1
The 3 team 10 point tease is moving to College ball this weekend
Cincinnati (-5) @ Syracuse
True the Bearcats are a little overrated and Syracuse is not as bad as everyone thinks, and the dome aint the easiest place to play in the world, but we are not asking for much. Just cover one score for us fellas!

NC State @ Florida State (pick em)
Let’s face it. Neither of these teams is very good. FSU has home field, the better QB, the more seasoned Coach and a lot is at stake. Public is pounding FSU and Vegas is reacting accordingly. We are trusting Vegas on this one.

Georgia @ Florida (-4.5)
This is tough because I love Joe Cox (no homo) and Florida has looked a little sloppy lately. But this is not the type of game the Gators lose. My prediction for this game? Florida 30-21. That’s why I am teasing!

I like this play for 2 units this week.

Pick #2
Houston @ Buffalo Over 41 pts
Okay, I know Buffalo has burned us before with their pitiful offense. We know Houston can score points and Ryan Fitzpatrick is actually throwing to Lee Evans while the ugliest man in football is getting back into mid season form. I am not saying this is an easy cover. Fumble mania gave me a push last time I bet on Houston to get the over. Not this time though. Be conservative this weekend, and go with the over for 1 unit.

*********

Suggestion - Watch sports and do not talk to family members this weekend.

It's Friday!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!

Make that money, meng....

Man Crush

Sidney Crosby is the reason why you should be watching hockey. What a human being.

I'd love to take him out to dinner, buy him a steak and an expensive bottle of wine. It won't be weird Sid, I promise. Hit me up.

LET'S GO PENS!

Crosby nets the Hat Trick and the Pens beat the Habs, 6-1 {Pens Recap}

ps: The Pens are hotter than Brooklyn Decker right now. Can't stop the champs.

The World Series

I am rooting for the Phillies, that is final.

The New York Yankees stand for everything that is wrong with sports and are the exact opposite of my favorite team, the Pittsburgh Pirates. That obviously goes with out saying....

Also, for reasonings explained on today's DVE morning show. The Phillies started an amazing "PA Cycle" last year.

Phillies won the World Series -> Steelers won the Super Bowl -> Pens won the Stanley cup.

I don't need any more reasons. Shut up Mets fans, I don't care about your rivalries with both.

Well, one more. The lady that currently enjoys my company is from Philly. I would like to keep her around.

Prediction: Philly in six.

HEY, PHIL(s)!


Let's Go Bucs.